Confessions from a Disappointed Heart

tumblr_static_fashion-girl-scarf-snow-winter-favim.com-178695There are often times when I find myself needing to take a step back. Any one who really knows me, knows one of my greatest flaws is that I can get caught up in my own emotions very easily. My very essence could be summed up in the word “passionate”. I confess, I experience deep emotions and tend to over dramatize things. I am very aware of this area and strive daily to reign in my emotions and exhort my self-control. However, even though I am cognizant of the very flaw that deters me so often, I still find myself being controlled by my emotions rather than vice-versa.

Last night, I had one such experience.

God of course was quick to step in.

I found myself overwhelmed with all the tricks of the enemy, which so many have fallen a custom to living alongside daily.

So began my wrestling match with God.

Before the first bell had rung, I found my pillow drenched in my own tears.

Now, I know what you’re thinking…yes, I am a girl…this I know full-well…but tears haven’t been a part of my daily regiment for some time.

I was weary, worn out from the fight.

I explained to God…who always lets me explain things to Him when it is really me who needs to have things explained…however, I sat Him down and beckoned Him to see it from my point of view. That I loved Him. I truly did. That I would never give up on this road of righteousness. That I loved the road of righteousness…deep down…but it was just…I wasn’t happy with the void that clung to me like an unwanted companion; This long-awaited promise, that of course is different for each of us, was taking too long to arrive. I just couldn’t hide the disappointment any longer. I find this same disappointment creeping in at what seems like every twist in the road. I subside it for a while but it always seems to creep up on me. I have come to realize that this is because it is a God-given desire, but since the fulfillment of His promise rests on the shoulders of me being patient, the enemy is swift to take advantage of my desire for urgency. He quickly strikes up the troubled waters of disappointment which soon crash upon the side of my slightly off course ship, overwhelming me with questions of trusting my heart to the Lord.

But God soon exposed the lies of the enemy.

He said nothing. I just felt Him looking at me with a knowing look. And I realized that I know for myself that I will never give in. Because to give in, to give up, on this would be to deny my very being. Because I decided a long time ago that my life was for the Lord’s purposes. And this decision was made because I have complete faith and trust in Him. Because He has shown Himself faithful over and over again. That even in this momentary disappointment, if I really think about it, there is no pain that could ever remove me from His hands.

I love Him.

And there is nothing that could ever change my mind on that matter.

God has given me so many chances to turn back this year. He put me through trial after trial. So many times I could have given up…but because He has instilled within me a heart for Himself, it is impossible to ever turn away. Not because I do not have the choice, but because I know, without hesitation that He is the best thing I have ever found and I have tasted His goodness amidst the pain and have not been left wanting. He is my greatest desire, and all other desires are as a dimming flicker in comparison to the radiance of His overwhelming light that was ignited within my soul the day I chose Him.

So when He looked at me with His stern, yet loving look, I realized…there was no point in complaining. Because I knew for myself that I had chosen Him long ago…regardless of my disappointments and unfulfilled desires…and if I could stop and think about it for two seconds…which, as earlier admitted, is difficult for me to do, I would remember that it was because of His overwhelming love for me and my flawed, but constant love for Him which caused me to make this steadfast decision.

And I wont let, what the enemy tells me, is a waste of time become a stumbling block.

I know He has good things in store. So I will keep my head above the waves and keep declaring His goodness! I will cling to the promises He has made and drown my momentary disappointments in the flood of His unfailing love.

Because I have come to learn that even when I am disappointed, He is still good. Even when the pain seems overwhelming, His all-encompassing love surrounds me. And there is nowhere else I’d rather be than in the arms of my God.

Though this world may fall, I know who I’ll call, this God who’s so good to me.

For all my days, let my heart proclaim, that my God is so good to me.

– Dara Maclean

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2 thoughts on “Confessions from a Disappointed Heart

  1. Grace&Glory says:

    Hi Kaitlyn, I’m so glad to have found your blog! I completely understand being summed up by the word “passionate.” For a few years recently, I tried to subdue it and not express what I felt, but it soon became detrimental to my heart. You see, the enemy wants us to think about being passionate as a negative, almost like a sin. But this past year, the Lord opened my eyes to see that being passionate is a rare gift.

    Yes, being passionate can be quite dangerous if we give way to those feelings, but when we give every feeling over to the Lord, there freedom is found. I connect so well to Peter in the Bible. He was so passionate. His feelings led him often; he had very little filter and spoke what was on his mind. God took a man ruled by his emotions and molded that passion into one of the greatest missionaries of all time.

    It wasn’t until I began speaking to high school kids at youth or children’s church that I realized how truly passionate I am. I have a naturally gentle manner, but when I begin to talk about God and his love for us, something ignites inside of me. I truly feel like a lamb becoming a lion. People have commented that when I step up there in front of everyone someone else entirely takes over and passion speaks the Truth.

    This was when I realized that passion is a gift from God. It is a gift that when left to the world eats us away, but when put into the hands of the Father to handle and mold becomes one of the brightest most contagious gifts of all. So, all of that to say, sweet sister in Christ, I understand your position more than you know. I relate to your every line. That is why I want to encourage you to take courage and continue to stand on his promises. He is faithful beyond our comprehension. Embrace your passion and ask God what avenue to take in order to use it for His glory. He has purpose in it. 🙂 Blessings.

    • kaitlynteresa says:

      Thank you for your encouragement! We sound like kindred spirits. I am also thought of as a timid person by many, but God’s desires have ignited me into places of leadership and platforms that one would never expect from me. I marvel that I had the courage to become a teacher, a worship leader, a youth group mentor, a sunday school teacher, and the head of an ESL program I am astounded that He has entrusted so much to the shy girl who was too embarrassed to play in her own viola recital. The girl who would cry when speaking in front of others. But God has not given us a spirit of fear has He?

      Yes, how true it is that His passion has caused me to venture into it all. It is like I forget everything else and see only what needs to be done in that moment. It has rocked my world and continues to rock my world.

      It is good to know I am not alone.

      You have blessed my heart and are in my prayers.

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